


Where Do We Go From Here?

by backtothefold



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Crude Humor, Dark Humor, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Graphic Description, Multiple Personalities, One Night Stands, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-07-10 16:34:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15953249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backtothefold/pseuds/backtothefold
Summary: Commander Amerilyse Shepard. Hero of the Skyllian Blitz. If only they knew how much blood is in her ledger. He says that she makes him feel human, but in reality, he's the reason that keeps her human. She's desperately trying to escape her past, but will their love keep her from returning to the fold and help her become the hero everyone believes her to be?This story follows the Mass Effect trilogy with a twist or two, which is a knot.EDIT: This story delves deeper behind my femShep's psych profile with OCs and plotlines.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> This is my first fic ever. Like I'm a creative writer at heart, but I have never publicly shared a story before. Well, that's a lie. I did post some things in middle school, high school and college, but they were literal crap and I hope they never find its way to the Internet lol...
> 
> Anyways, I'm a little nervous sharing this fic because it sounded and looked great in my head, but then it started to read and sound really fucking awful. This story kind of follows canon and has some in-game dialogue, but there are a lot of different things that I don't want to spoil. It may sound strange, but it has a point, a destination, I promise! (I think...). This story delves a little deeper to the psychological profile behind Shepard and how that affects her present and future. 
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy and please rate and review :)

 

She pulls each crisscross of her laces out and tightens them individually as she works her way up her boot. She obsessively inspects her BDUs, ensuring that there are no creases. She debates on where to wear the mandatory bun per military regs, but she opts for a French braid. She meticulously pulls her milk chocolate brown hair into three sections, double-checking for any hairs that are out of place along the way. She observes her overall look in the mirror, staring at her reflection. She can feel her brain begin to nitpick, and her arms begin to raise involuntarily to match the thoughts flooding her mind. Before she can start to change herself to her brain’s satisfaction, she hears someone enter the locker room. 

“Commander? Let’s go meet the crew.” 

“Captain Anderson. I’ll be out in a moment, sir.” Her brain still nitpicked at her. _This façade will never last. Nothing you do will erase your past._ As the thoughts in her head get louder and louder, she clenches her hand into a fist, gearing up to smash the mirror until she feels a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you alright?” The captain watches her carefully. The man has aged fairly well since taking her under his wing almost a decade ago. Their relationship is somewhat familial; one of the few people she can truly call on this Earth. 

“Just some butterflies,” She looks away from his gaze, hoping he doesn’t press any further. “Ready when you are, sir.” He doesn’t.

\-------

Hushed whispers fill the hallways of the Normandy. Amerilyse Shepard knows that it’s because of her presence. She wished that her reputation didn’t precede her. She secretly wished that the crew would be half as excited to get to know her as an individual, as Amerilyse, as they are to the hero of the Skyllian Blitz. _If only they knew._ She mentally brushes the thought away. Captain Anderson brings her to Chief Engineer Adams, who turns to salute. “Commander Shepard, welcome to the SSV Normandy.” Amerilyse returns the salute and extends her hand to shake his. “Thank you, Engineer Adams. You maintain quite a fine ship here.” As she continues getting to know Adams, Corporal Jenkins excitedly presses the button to the elevator. 

He runs up to the group of men in the cockpit. “You’ll never guess who I just saw!” Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau rolls his eyes at Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. “Catch a breath, Jenkins. Before you blow puke through your nose.” Kaidan chuckles under his breath as he relives the memory. The corporal frowns, “That only happened once on leave, Joker.” It was Joker’s turn to laugh, “Once is enough! I, for one, do not need to know any more about how your body spews your fluids. Kaidan chimes in, “Nor which orifice they’ll come out next!” Both men continue laughing until their insides ache as the newbie tries to play off the incident.

A throat clearing followed by an “ahem” cuts into their laughter. All three men turn around to see the captain and commander standing behind them, clearly realizing that their superiors were present for the inappropriate joke. Kaidan can feel his face getting hot and turning red, yet was thankful of the orange overhead light of the cockpit that concealed a majority of his embarrassment. His eyes wander to Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard, the latter is trying to conceal her laughter the best she can, while the former is boring a hole into the men’s heads with an unimpressed stare. 

Joker swivels his seat around, Kaidan stands up to salute, and Jenkins does a 180 so quickly that he bangs his head against the buttons and levers in the cockpit. To recover, Jenkins ignores the pain and clumsily salutes, his elbow almost coming into contact with the captain’s chin. A breath gets caught in both Kaidan’s and Joker’s throat, as the scenario plays out in what feels like slow-motion. A hand reaches out and catches Jenkins’ arm before it makes contact. The corporal stammers out an apology to the captain while trying to ignore the fact that the hero of the Skyllian Blitz is holding his arm. The cockpit’s very tight enclosure becomes more and more apparent as seconds pass.

The captain lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head. “At ease, gentlemen.” Amerilyse watches Anderson about to rip Jenkins a new one as he opens his mouth. Instead, the captain closes his mouth as he can tell that the new recruit is clearly perturbed by the situation. “This is Commander Amerilyse Shepard. She will be assisting us on our run to Eden Prime.” 

Amerilyse turns to shake each man’s hand as Anderson rattles off their name and rank. “Lastly, this is Staff Lieutentant Kaidan Alenko.” Kaidan extends his hand first, and she gives it a firm grip. They maintain eye contact for what seems like forever.

His voice breaks through her thoughts, “Have we met before, Commander?” 

_It’s been almost seven years since…_ She shakes her head to push the train of the thought out of head which the lieutenant takes as a no. “I don’t believe so, Lieutenant Alenko. You just reminded me of someone I knew.” 

_Amerilyse approached the man sitting at the foot of the bed. The blinds were shut to hide the beautiful sun. His head hung in his hands. She sat on the floor, settling her butt on the balls of her feet. She tried to get him to look at her. His eyes were shut tight as if he was trying to get away from a bad dream._

_“Hey, hey. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She worriedly brushed her hand through his hair. He whispered, “I’m sorry. Just migraines. It’ll pass…” His hands balled into fists, clenching the sheets as he covered his face. She gently pulled the sheet away from his face. She was met with resistance, so she whispered, “let me help,” and the sheet fell into her hands. She lifted his head and his eyes remained closed. She grabbed both of his hands with hers, pulling herself off the floor and into his lap. She straddled him, drawing her knees beside him. She began by putting pressure on both sides of his temples, then slowing massaging them. He began to murmur, making an incoherent sound between a moan and a groan. She ran her fingers through his hair; she made sure to put pressure as she does so, to hopefully relieve the pressure in his head._

_“Mer…”_

She lets his hand go and offers a small, sheepish smile. “It’s a pleasure meeting you, nonetheless.” The lieutenant stares at her quizzically, but before he can inquire, another voice interrupts their interaction.

“Commander Shepard. A word, when you have a moment.” Amerilyse nods in Nihlus Kryik’s direction; the turian Spectre turns on his heel and heads towards the comm room. She gestures toward the captain, “After you, sir.”

“You go on ahead, Shepard. I’m taking Jenkins to see Dr. Chakwas for a once-over to make sure he’s fit to accompany you and Alenko on the ground. I’ll meet up with you and Nihlus shortly after. Let’s go, corporal.” Jenkins throws a look mixed between fear and nervousness behind him at the group in the cockpit. 

Silence lingers a little too long for anyone’s comfort and Joker’s cough makes it that much more uncomfortable. “Permission to speak freely, Commander?”

“What’s on your mind, Moreau?”

“This mission on Eden Prime seems like a milk run. So why is one of the Citadel’s big bad wolves accompanying us? I don’t like him.”

Kaidan chimes in. “You’ve gotta be kidding me, Joker. He hasn’t done anything to warrant you to not like him. C’mon, he even complimented you.”

“Kaidan, remembering to zip your fly coming out of the bathroom is ‘good.’ I just shot us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, that’s **incredible**.” Kaidan rolls his eyes.

“I do agree with you, Jeff. Something does seem fishy, like we’re missing something.” Amerilyse looks at her watch warily, “Anyways, I better go, best not to keep Nihlus waiting. Again, it was nice meeting you both.” She waves them goodbye. Kaidan stares after her and then at where she stood before swiveling back around.

“Well, that was unexpected.”

“Depends on what you are referring to: the fact that the Commander was staring at you a little too long, Jenkins almost elbowing the Captain in the face, or that you insinuated that Jenkins is going to shit himself the next time we’re on shore leave?”

“Fuck you, Joker.” 

\-------

She curses to herself for staying too long shooting the shit with Alenko and Moreau. She keeps staring at her watch warily, worrying she may have pissed off the turian Spectre for fucking around. Amerilyse composes herself before she presses the button to the comm room. The doors slide open, but it’s completely dark inside. She peeks her head in, “Nihlus?” “Captain Anderson?” “Hello?”

She steps inside, feeling the wall to find the light switch. Something swipes at her legs and she falls hard onto her back. The blow momentarily disorients her, but she recovers and jumps back up. Her heart is thumping so loud that she can feel it in her throat. Adrenaline courses through her veins. She feels a presence behind her and ducks before a punch can make its impact. She grabs the arm that threw the punch, intent on returning the favor with her attacker by actually following through. However, another hand grabs her throat and raises her off the ground.

“ **Blackfire**.” Her blood runs ice cold.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> Author's note: I know there are a lot of names to keep up with.
> 
> Kiehra (a fanciful spelling of Kira) and Blackfire are the same people/entity. Their voice is _italicized_.
> 
> Amerilyse is Commander Shepard. Her voice is **_bold and italicized._**
> 
> I hope you guys like it so far. It deviates a lot from the original storyline, but I think extra content makes it fun, no?
> 
> I don't own the Mass Effect series or its characters. 
> 
> Rates and reviews are most welcomed! Hope ya enjoy :)

 

“ **Blackfire**.”

It was like a flip of a switch, something kicked into gear within her subconscious. Her head slowly turns to where the voice came from, almost robotically. Inhuman. She bares her teeth into a wicked smile that causes the hand which grasped her neck to slightly loosen. She jumps to the opportunity by using both her thumbs to dig into the tendon of her attacker’s arm which causes them to release their grip from her neck. Her legs instinctively wraps around their arm and she propels enough force to slam them into the floor.

~~

The ship slants slightly off course for a split second, Joker and Kaidan look at each other, look at their respective monitors, and then out the window.

“Joker, do you see anything?”

“There is nothing on the screen. Pressly, do you see anything out of the ordinary?” 

“I don’t see anything, Joker. Nothing is populating on our radars.”

“Then, what the hell was _that_?”

~~

She places her feet at their back and pulls the arm she holds captive backwards, trapping them. Her attacker continues to fight against her hold; she maintains her hold with one hand while the other lands blows into their lower backside. She repeatedly does this, hoping her challenger ceases this pointless fight. 

Amerilyse feels their shoulder pop out of its socket. She debates whether to release her prisoner and end this fight. _You and I both know that’s a mistake. They’ll use it to their advantage._ **_Maybe they’re different._** She feels something akin to a brick wall jut upwards into her chin, catching her off guard. _Or maybe they’re just like us_. Her eyes struggle to maintain visual of her attacker. Fighting in the dark is nothing new to Amerilyse. In the Alliance, they train you to be able to fight, day or night. They show you tricks to train your eyes to adapt to the darkness. Fighting blind is a dirty trick, which she learned a hard lesson way before the Alliance. They both back away from each other to increase the space between them, trying to recover before engaging again. Amerilyse tastes iron as she wipes the dripping fluid from her mouth. Her attacker charges her, slamming her into the wall. Cornered, Amerilyse decides to headbutt her attacker. A loud crack shatters through her ear drums as her skull makes contact with what feels like jagged, poorly done cement. **_That was a terrible idea_**. _That was fun and you know it._

The lights in the comm room suddenly flicker on and Amerilyse is slightly disoriented due to the fact that she just tried headbutting her attacker. Her vision slowly returns and focuses on the form in front of her. The turian releases her and walks to the other side of the room. Amerilyse holds her head in her hands and quietly curses as pain rushes to her head. Her brain snaps back into focus as to why this fight really began. 

“I need you to take back what you said, Nihlus.”

“You know, for someone as famous as the Hero of the Skyllian Blitz, your past is very well hidden, **Kiehra**.” Her eyes narrow and she walks towards him.

“Take it back.” The turian stares at her, saying nothing. She grabs for his throat and forces his head back, so that he looks up at her. “Take it back, Nihlus. That name, those names. They are cursed. There are those who have uttered those names. You and I both know they aren’t here anymore to tell you it’s a fucking mistake. Take it back. _Now_.”

“I’m not afraid of you. You still have a lot to learn, Shepard. You’re not invincible.”

“I’m not saying that you should be afraid of me. When people hear that name, they die. Regardless if I want them to or not.” Nihlus just stares at her, unblinking. “Please.” _Don’t beg. That’s below us_. **_I refuse to add more blood to my ledger._** _He’s not going to change his mind, no matter what you say._

She curses loudly and releases her grip on his throat. She sits across from him and sighs. “Do what you will, Nihlus, but I’ve warned you. And to answer your question: no, I don’t think I’m invincible. Even legends die, eventually.”

A voice cuts into their silence. “What on God’s green Earth is going on here?” The Spectre and the Commander turn to face the voice. She throws a toothy grin and gets up to greet the voice, “Hey, Cap’t…” Captain Anderson waits for an explanation, but it never comes. Her knees begin to buckle and she collapses. She falls into someone’s arms, but she doesn’t know who as her vision turns to purple then black.

\-------

Amerilyse finally comes to and she looks around, confused. She doesn’t remember how she ended up in the crew’s quarters. She blinks a couple times to re-focus her vision. Groggily, she swings her feet from the bed to the ground. **_Those painkillers are awesome; remind me to thank Karin._** For once, she doesn’t hear a reply. She doesn’t know how to react. Should she jump for joy that the voice inside her head has finally left? Perhaps she can finally move on and start reparations for what the voice had done. A ringing noise pierces through her ears that causes her to temporarily close her eyes. When she opens them, she’s in an apartment. Memories come flooding through her head like a raging tsunami. 

Her heart beats and thumps rapidly. She walks around the apartment and picks up a photo frame. She’s pictured with a young man, who is standing behind her with his arms wrapped around her. She is smiling happily in the photo, while he stares lovingly and longingly into her eyes. As she makes her way around the bend of the bed, a guttural scream escapes her throat. The form in front of her lies crumpled in pain and frozen in time because rigor mortis; one hand clutched at their chest; the other outstretched in front of them as if reaching out to someone. _Or telling them to stay away._ It’s the man in the photo. Amerilyse backs away in fear; not watching where she’s stepping, she topples over something. She shuts her eyes and stretches out her hands to brace herself and catch her fall. When she opens her eyes, she is met with a pair of eyes. Blood spills from their mouth. A loud “uunghh” echoes through their voice box. Amerilyse’s eyes widen and she covers her mouth. She scrambles to get up to run away. She remembers her fight with Nihlus. **_This is just a fucking dream. Just a nightmare. Wake up, Amerilyse. Wake. The. Fuck. Up!_**

****

****

She finds herself in a forest and she is enclosed, trapped, by towering bushes. However, upon closer inspection, they are not bushes, but rather, towering stacks of dead bodies. Hundreds of hands reach out towards her. She turns, yet again, to run. Somewhere, anywhere but here. She slams into something: a form wrapped in a black cloud. No, not a cloud. The substance is thick, sticky even. **_Blood_**. _Kiehra._ She tries to run away from the voice, from the demon. _BlackFire. The eternal black flame._ She covers her ears tightly and sprints as fast as she can. _The phoenix that rises from the blood of her enemies._ **_And from innocents..._** she completes, bitterly. Amerilyse stops dead in her tracks as the forest disappears and water begins to surround her. **_What the fuck is up with this dream?_** Something below drags her down; she struggles to stay above the water. The dark form appears in front of her again. The darkness dissipates in the water, no longer concealing the identity of her pursuer.

It’s her. Her reflection. She kicks her feet and propels her body upward. Her twin follows her with equal speed, but speeds past her and disappears. Amerilyse manages to break through the water, gasping for air. The substance is no longer water, instead it has become something similar to quick sand. No, more like a tar pit. The smell of iron invades her nose. Her twin stands at the tide of the blood and watches her drown. She offers a hand, but Amerilyse refuses. She reaches out to grab something, anything. **_Please let there be an olive branch or something, Goddamn it._** An olive branch appears and she grabs onto it, pulling with all her might. The branch snaps in half and she finds herself drowning again. Her reflection appears in front of her again. 

“ _Stop fighting it_.” Again, her twin reaches out to grab her hand. Her other self, helped her keep sanity and protected her as a means of survival.

“ ** _I’m not you. I’m not going to be that person again_**.” 

“ _You believe that we are two separate entities. Something that you can detach yourself from. You cannot. You are a part of me. Just as I am a part of you. Embrace it, Amerilyse. Embrace us_.”

The bodies that towered her in the forest begin to fall on top of her into the bloody pit. Human, asari, krogan, turian and many more. The bodies do not discriminate races. She dodges them, but she can feel her body slowing, dragging. Her energy is depleting rapidly, and she’s running out of options. Her twin stands unnervingly at the tide of the red water, hand outstretched. Amerilyse gets pulled under, her lungs wanting to explode due to lack of oxygen. She uses the last of her energy to drag herself out of the bottomless pit. Her vision is impaired as the blood begins to coagulate on her face. The blood that covers her face feels like a rubber mask. She extends her arm, desperately, trying to grab anything. A hand wraps around her forearm. A blinding light engulfs them both.

“ ** _Kiehra._** ”

 


	3. Chapter Three

 

“Amerilyse. Can you hear me?” A bright light shines into her eyes as a soft British voice sounds through her ears. Something tickles her ears and she laughs a little.

“Ear drum appears intact. Pupils dilating. Vitals within normal range.” 

Amerilyse gathers her bearings: she’s on the floor of the comm room with Dr. Chakwas observing her; Captain Anderson is off to the side having a heated argument with Nihlus; and someone is applying medi-gel to her head. That person isn’t even looking at her, instead they’re looking at Nihlus. She can feel their biotic power pulsing from their arm on her head, steadily increasing power. She feels their muscles contract as they move to charge at full force. She places her hand on their other arm, which causes them to turn towards her. They hold eye contact, “Don’t,” she whispers. Their biotic power does not decrease, but they do not break eye contact. “Please.” The pulsing dissipates. She notices Dr. Chakwas witnessing the small interaction between her and Kaidan. She sees her eyebrow raise slightly in her peripheral, but she says nothing. 

The conversation between Anderson and Nihlus becomes clearer as the ringing in her ear stops. 

“I should drop you off at the nearest Alliance space station and have you court-martialed.”

“You and I both know that I don’t apply to your human laws, Captain.”

Captain Anderson makes his way towards Amerilyse. “And you, I’m disappointed with you, Commander. We’re here to set a precedent; a strong union between humans and turians. Yet here you are, fighting a turian Spectre, at that! You could be court-martialed by our people and the Council.

“I have the power to break you out, Commander. Were that to happen, I expect another sparring match,” Nihlus calls out as he makes his way towards the group. He receives two glares from Anderson and Kaidan. He reaches down and lends an arm to Amerilyse. She grabs it and Nihlus pulls her up effortlessly, like a feather. “You can count on it, Nihlus.” They give each other a slight nod of approval. The pair of men look both at the Commander and Nihlus, incredulous. 

“This confirms my belief in your candidacy.”

“My what?”

“To become the first human Spectre.” She balks at the idea. _Only the strongest of the strong get offered that._ **_I sincerely doubt humanity wants ME as their representative._** _Who better than us?_ “I’ve tested your ability to fight, now I want to see you in the field,” Nihlus continues. “The other races have their doubts and I have shared them, but after our spar, I _know_ you are more than capable of being one of us.”

“Thank you, Nihlus, but I’m always Alliance first.”

Anderson cuts in. “Commander, your candidacy would give humanity the recognition we deserve. It’s probably the only chance we’ll get in a very long time.” She nods at them, begrudgingly.

“Sorry to interrupt, Captain. We received a transmission from Eden Prime that I think you should see.”

“Put it on the screen, Joker.”

\-------

As they hit the ground of Eden Prime, Amerilyse takes in her surroundings. She had only seen the human colony along with its luscious green scenery in photos; however, what she sees now had an ominous feeling. Nihlus decides to scout out the area ahead of them, while Amerilyse and her ground team intend on finding survivors. Alenko, Jenkins, and Shepard fan out in a tight cluster formation: Alenko on her six; Jenkins at her flank; and Shepard leads. 

“Whoa, what are those?!”

“Just gas bags. They’re harmless.”

As the three of them reach around the bend, Shepard signals Jenkins forward. _Something is wrong. There are no animals sounds. Watch yourself._ They move into position when drones appear out of nowhere. Amerilyse hears a slight clicking noise and realizes a minute too late that the drones are powering up their guns. She screams out to Jenkins and runs to him to tackle him into cover. The drones lay waste at Jenkins and Shepard. The drones rip through his shields and Amerilyse watches in horror as a bullets riddle his chest and one pierces his throat. A hot searing pain radiates around her right shoulder; she ignores it as she drags Jenkins’ lifeless body behind a boulder. She peers over the boulder and takes out a shot at one of the drones. She feels a hand graze her leg.

“C-C-Comman-der…,” Jenkins struggles to say as blood spews from his mouth and his throat. 

“I’m scared,” Jenkins chokes on his blood. “Please don’t…leave me.”

She puts pressure onto his neck to hopefully stop the blood from spilling out. “Shh, Jenkins. Relax, kid. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. Kaidan!” 

Kaidan watches Amerilyse struggle to keep Jenkins alive from his cover. He hears her scream for his name. He overloads the last drone as he sprints towards the pair. Kaidan applies medi-gel to Jenkins’ chest. He rests his hand on Jenkins’ shoulder. “Hey, bud. You’re gonna be just fine. Hey, stay with us,” Jenkins’ head begins to lull to the side. Kaidan shakes his shoulders, “Hey, you’re buying the first round of drinks on our next shore leave, remember?” “You owe me and Joker for blowing snot and puke all over us last time.” 

“Shepard to Normandy. Shepard to Normandy. I need a medivac. I repeat, I need a medivac.” No response. She repeats the radio call. Still, no response. She curses loudly. Kaidan and Amerilyse realize that their comms are probably being jammed before turning to look at Jenkins. The corporal offers a small smile before falling unconscious. Kaidan touches his neck to feel for a pulse; he shakes his head.

Amerilyse stands up, walks over to one of the drones, and shoots it to bits. She rips the drive core of one of the more or less intact drones, praying that someone on the Normandy can extract something, anything from it. She walks back to Kaidan and lends a hand to pull him up. 

“Lieutenant. I need your complete attention right now. We still have a mission to complete. I will see to it that Jenkins has a proper burial. Am I clear?”

“Crystal, ma’am.”

A voice clicks into her comm. “Commander, I don’t see anything at the dig site, I’m going to scout on further through the colony.”

“Nihlus, we lost Jenkins. These drones aren’t the normal security mechs that colonies normally deploy. Watch your six.”

“I am sorry about Jenkins, but do not let his death deter you. Instead, let it empower you. Let your desire to protect life become your strength. I know you struggle with the darkness within you. Truth is, all of us have darkness within us. What matters is how we harness it and put it to use.”

“Don’t put your guard down, Nihlus.” The comm goes silent.

“Commander, you’re injured.” Kaidan goes to apply medi-gel, but Amerilyse catches his hand. “Save it,” he begins to protest. She drops his hand, “We don’t know what we’re up against. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Plus, it’s a through-and-through. I’m fine.”

As they near the scientists’ camp, they hear gunshots. Both Kaidan and Amerilyse sprint towards the soldier while taking out the husks. **_Gross, mindless zombies._** _Unfortunate._ **_Come to think of it. Does that make me a mindless zombie when you’re in control?_** The voice inside her head doesn’t reply. A whirring noise draws her focus away from the husks. “Commander, look out!” Three flashlight heads turn their attention to her and draw their weapons. Without thinking, she charges towards them. She can hear their bullets whiz past her. Kaidan and the other soldier provide cover fire as she deploys kill shots to each enemy. 

Amerilyse double-backs to the pair. “Who are you?”

“Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, ma’am. Are you in charge?”

“Commander Shepard. This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Can you tell me what happened here?”

\-------

They reach the dig site, but the Prothean artifact is no longer there. It looks like it’s been moved. She clicks onto her comms. “Nihlus, come in. I repeat, Nihlus, come in. The beacon looks like it’s been moved, we’re clearing out the camp and pushing forward. There’s geth and husks crawling around the colony. Watch your six.” “Roger that, Commander.”

Amerilyse deftly hacks into the locked keypad and the door opens. Two scientists sigh in relief at the three soldiers. One of the scientists explains what was happening on their end, while the other scientist mumbles something that piques her interest. 

“What’s wrong with your colleague?”

“Manuel is different and often speaks of riddles and incoherent phrases. Sometimes, genius and madness are part of the same coin.”

Manuel speaks up. “Our world as we know it is coming to an end. The turian is merely a pawn in the harbinger of death’s plan.”

Kaidan and Amerilyse stare at each other. “There was another turian here at the colony?” Shepard asks.

“I can hardly think we can take his account for the truth. No offense,” Williams says. 

“Stay here and wait for the all-clear.” The scientist comforts her colleague and nods at the Commander.

\-------

Eden Prime looked nothing like the vids. An ominous orange-reddish aura conceals its beauty. “Paradise” was the word Jenkins used to call his home planet. Shame the kid had to die here when his home planet was at its worst. “Commander!”

She approaches the pair to find a dead turian. Nihlus. _You did warn him not to say the name_. **_Doesn’t make us right._** They hear something rustling behind the crates. Guns at the ready, Amerilyse calls for the man to step out. Powell explains that the geth didn’t find him because he hides here to catch some Z’s. He tells them that another turian by the name of Saren shot Nihlus in the back while his guard was down. 

Kaidan looks down at Nihlus. “I can’t say that I’m upset that he’s gone.”

She stares at Kaidan. “Whatever your reasons are for not liking him doesn’t matter, Lieutenant. He was a warrior and warriors don’t deserve to die with a bullet to the back.” 

\-------

The Prothean beacon glows green and pulses an ominous power around it. Amerilyse radios the Normandy for a pick-up at the beacon’s location. 

“Whoa, it wasn’t doing any of that when they dug it up!”

Kaidan is drawn to the beacon; he hears a faint sound coming from the beacon. As he takes another step towards the beacon, he feels a strong magnetic field dragging him to the beacon’s center. Amerilyse sees this and jumps in front of him. They are now both stuck in the force field. Her muscles feel constricted and she clenches her teeth. **_I refuse to lose another soul today._** It takes all of her strength to push him outside of the magnetic hold. The beacon begins to glow brightly as the magnetic field forces her head back. A choppy vision of some sort surges through her brain and flashes before her eyes. She hears someone call out her name, but it sounds far away. The beacon explodes and propels her fifty feet away. Before she slips into a deep sleep, she smiles when she sees him. **_At least he’s okay._**


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Intense description of smut.

 

“We all have darkness inside of us. It’s how we harness and use it…”

“C-C-Commander…Please, don’t leave me…”

_Amerilyse. Wake up._

She slowly opens her eyes to see two pairs of eyes staring back at her. They’re trying to talk to her, but their voices are muffled. 

“What?” she asks. She’s actually shouting.

They raise their voice, but the ringing in her ears get louder. 

“Stop,” she whispers. They pause. “Ringing…too loud. Hurts.” She starts to drift back to the darkness when she feels her body lifted upwards. Strong arms hold her up effortlessly; one arm carrying her legs, and the other splays across her back. The arm supporting her back is angled perfectly, almost purposefully, so that she can rest her neck in the crook of their arm and her head against their chest. She looks up and strains her eyes to see the form clearly, but her vision is still blurry. The eye strain exacerbates the throbbing in her head, so she shuts her eyes tightly. She feels herself fading again.

\-------

The shuttle reaches the Normandy and Kaidan is at the ready to carry Shepard to the medbay. Dr. Chakwas meets them as the shuttle door opens.

“Dr. Chakwas, her breathing is shallow. Pulse is thready.” Kaidan helps Dr. Chakwas transfer Shepard to the stretcher. He follows the doctor and the men to the elevator, intent on being at Shepard’s side. However, he’s stopped by Captain Anderson midway.

“Alenko, Williams. I want a full debrief in the comm room.”

“Yes, sir,” they both reply. Kaidan hadn’t realized that Shepard’s index finger was intertwined with his fingers until Dr. Chakwas and the medical crew pull the stretcher away from him. His hand must have cupped hers while he was holding the stretcher. Her hand falls limp to the side just as the elevator doors shut. He silently curses to himself as he follows Ashley and Captain Anderson to the comm room.

The mission was a bonafide fuck up. All they have to show for is a dead turian Spectre; a blown up Prothean artifact; and a rogue Spectre. The Council is not going to be happy with this outcome. If the current turn of events didn’t point a big, bright arrow saying, “Humanity can’t handle shit,” Kaidan could only imagine what else the other galaxy races are going to say. He enters the elevator and presses the button to the medbay. He can feel a migraine forming at the back of his head. He pinches the bridge of his nose, hoping to make it go away. He’s thankful the light in the elevator was dim unlike most of the bright fluorescent lighting aboard the ship. “Well, if this keeps up, at least I’m going to the medbay anyway,” he says to himself.

He enters the medbay and sees Shepard sleeping soundly on one of the beds. Dr. Chakwas turns to face him.

“Ah, Kaidan. Are you experiencing a migraine?”

“A slight one, Dr. Chakwas. Nothing major. How is she doing?”

“We managed to get her stable, but there is some rapid eye movement. As if she’s experiencing a vivid dream. We won’t know more until she wakes up.”

“How much longer do situations like this go for? It has almost been 12 hours.”

“These situations are hit-or-miss. They vary on a very large scale. The blast from the beacon propelled her with such force that most people would break upon impact. The human body can repair itself, but it will take time. Our Commander is strong; she will break through. Do not fret, Lieutenant." He nods at Dr. Chakwas, unsure. 

“I’ll give you some time with her and I’ll come back to check her vitals.”

He sits besides Amerilyse and watches as her chest rises and falls in a smooth rhythm. “Thank God,” he prays to himself. Losing Jenkins was tough, but the thought of losing her _because_ of him; he could not bear it. Even though he felt the pulse of the beacon for a couple of seconds, it was mind-splitting pain. It might be the downside of being an L2, but even so, he can only imagine the pain she endured while being trapped in the magnetic field of the beacon. Kaidan notices her slightly move.

“Commander. Are you alright?”

She murmurs to herself and raises her hands to her arms, as if she’s cold. Kaidan goes to supply closet and grabs her a blanket. He drapes it over her and tucks the sides in. As he fluffs up her pillow, he takes stock of her face. Her milk chocolate brown hair sprawls on the pillow, the soft curls hanging off the edges of the pillow. Her long lashes flutter as her eyeballs rapidly move beneath her eyelids. A faint scar mars her left eyebrow and another on the right side of her neck. Her lips are plump, still a little bruised from her spar with Nihlus. As much as he hated the turian for hurting her, he can tell from their interactions; they respected each other after that fight. They both looked almost excited. “She is beautiful,” he thinks to himself.

_He’s staring at you. Leaning quite closely, I might add._

**_Don’t do anything, Kiehra._ **

_Is that a challenge, I hear?_

Amerilyse becomes very aware of him observing her as she feels his breath graze her. She clenches her teeth and struggles to make a fist, so that Kaidan knows she’s awake. Her hand remains flat, unmoving. Instead, she begins to feel her body move involuntarily, and she sits upright.

“Commander. What’s wrong? Are you alright?” Kaidan places his hands on her shoulders and rubs his thumbs in circles. Amerilyse feels her right arm move up and her hand cups the lieutenant’s face. She leans in for the kiss, thrusting her tongue inside. Kaidan returns her kiss with equal force before pulling away. 

“Commander, I-we…can’t.” 

**_KIEHRA! Stop it this instant!_** She opens her eyes and the lieutenant stares back at her with such intensity, _sexual hunger_. She tries to push herself off and away from Kaidan, but her body has a mind of its own. She presses herself against him, grabbing a hold of his hair and pulling back, so she can thrust her tongue deeper into his throat. He moans and it echoes inside her mouth. He cups her ass and she instinctively wraps her legs around his waist. 

**_Fuck you, Kiehra. Stop it, goddamn it…_**

_Stop fighting it. You know that you and him both want it. Oh, hello!_

His cock hardens beneath his pants and it jerks forward against her vagina. She can hear herself yelp in surprise and she can feel Kaidan smile against her mouth as they kiss. He rubs himself up and down against her clit, drawing a warm pool between her legs. Her hands began fumbling the belt on his pants. He stops her and yanks off his shirt and then her top. Her breasts fall out and suddenly, she begins to feel self-conscious. 

“God, you’re beautiful,” he says as he takes a nipple into his mouth. She cries out in pain and pleasure as he ravages her. His hot mouth pulls away from her and the cold air in the medbay gives her goosebumps. He leaves a trail of kisses from her neck and back to her breasts. As he does this, his hand grazes down to her pussy. “You’re soaking wet,” he rasps. He inserts a finger, then two while rubbing her clit with his thumb. He watches her pleasure display across her face in a series of eye flutters and moans. “Kaidan! Fuck. Please fuck me,” she begs him. She loves that he gives her whole body his full attention. She pulls his pants down to his thighs and readies herself above his cock. 

“Doctor? Dr. Chakwas, I think she’s waking up.”

Amerilyse opens her eyes, dazed and confused. She looks down at herself, then Dr. Chakwas, then at Kaidan. She blushes a bright red, realizing what had occurred. She hears a mischievous laugh in head.

**_Fuck you, Kiehra._ **

_Oh my God. I am literally ripping at the seams. You need to get laid more often._

**_Not with you as a spectator. You are a bitch._ **

_Right back at ya._

“You had us worried there for a moment, Shepard. I believe something happened with the beacon.”

Kaidan chimes in. “It’s my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way.” Amerilyse remembers this vaguely. “You should have known better, Lieutenant.” Her tone came off more bitchy than she intended, mostly to conceal her embarrassment of the dream scenario. She sees him stiffen, straighten up and stand in a salutation formation in her peripheral. “Captain,” he greets the man entering the medbay. Captain Anderson returns his salute and Kaidan excuses himself. 

“How are you feeling, Commander?”

“Minor throbbing, nothing serious.”

“What happened down there? I had a debrief with Alenko and Williams, but I’m hoping you can fill in the blanks.”

“The beacon transferred some kind of vision. I can’t explain it. It showed some sort of species being melted down or forced to conform to some kind of machinery. I can’t really make sense of it, sir.” 

“We’re heading to the Citadel to present our findings to the Council.”

Amerilyse scoffs at the idea. “And you think _they_ will listen? Nihlus, the only other species willing to represent humanity, is dead; Jenkins is gone; there was fucking geth; we have a rogue Spectre; the Prothean artifact is a bust, literally; and the only person to have interaction with the beacon comes with a vision, of death! You and I both know that there’s **no** way they’ll believe one word of this. What a shit show! Sir. ”

“We have to try, Shepard. We can’t let this go if Saren is behind it.”

“You two have a lot of history, don’t you?”

“Yes, but that is for another time. Prepare yourself, Shepard. We’ll be docking at the Citadel shortly.” Anderson places a hand on her shoulder. “I’m glad you pulled through, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally died laughing writing this chapter. I know, I know, the smut was getting good too! I think Kiehra is the perfect comedienne. Hope y'all enjoyed. I haven't exactly decided what I want to do with chapter frequency yet. I'm mostly posting before my ideas fall into the incinerator because I'm super forgetful. Rates and reviews are always welcomed! :)


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contains intense description of smut and is NSFW. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I know that my story throws a lot of "miscellaneous" information out, but I think all these random clues will tie up to a story arc integral to my femShep that makes sense in the end. I'm hoping they aren't too far out that it's hard to connect the dots. I guess we shall see as more chapters get posted. 
> 
> R&R is always welcome! :)

 

As Anderson walks away, Amerilyse settles her face in her hands. She feels a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you alright, Amerilyse?”

“Yes, _Nan_.” She feels a light-hearted thwack on her arm.

“I already feel my age when Emmylou calls me that. Don’t you dare start.”

Amerilyse gives a dry laugh, still staring at the floor.

“You should get some rest before we get to the Citadel.”

“I can’t…”

“Are the nightmares back again?”

Amerilyse starts, but decides to change the subject.

“What I need is some Serrice Ice Brandy. You have a bottle stashed away somewhere right, Karin?”

“We’ll share a glass when you come back from your meeting with the Council.”

“We’ll probably need a bottle or two.”

She jumps off the bed and the room starts to spin. She grabs the frame of the bed to steady herself. She breathes in deeply and then out. She gathers her bearings and starts walking towards the door.

“Feel free to sleep here, dear.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks Doc.”

As the medbay door shuts behind her, she notices Kaidan in the corner of the mess hall. Ashley is standing beside him and they’re having a conversation with some of the crew. He looks at her, then looks away quickly; pretending not to have noticed her exiting the medbay. She feels bad for snapping at him, but she was still livid for Kiehra’s prank. 

_Why don’t you just tell him?_

**_It’s better this way. It’s too risky. You and I know my track record of protecting people._**

_You’re going to have to forgive yourself sooner or later._

**_If I forgive myself, who is going to remember them? I have to remember._ **

Amerilyse makes her way to the elevator and takes it down a floor. As the doors raise, her eyes zero in at the rectangular shape in front of her. 

_“C-C-Commander! P-p-please, don’t leave me.”_

She can’t forget Jenkins’ twisted face as he bled out from his wounds, choking on his blood. She can’t shake his fearful, pleading eyes as he slowly came to the realization that the Angel of Death was about to take him away. Through his eyes, he begged her to save him. His hand was clutching her forearm, desperately clinging to stay alive. The great Commander Shepard, hero of the Skyllian Blitz, couldn’t even save one of her own men. She falls to her knees in front of his coffin, balling up a corner of the Alliance flag draped over his coffin, in her hand. She softly cries and mutters unintelligibly; silence answers her in response. She turns around and sits on the floor with her back against the metal pod. She rests her arms atop her knees and puts her head between them, defeated. 

\-------

“Neither their accusations nor their claims have any factual basis. I do not appreciate being subjected to their outright lies. It’s obvious that the humans believe they can elevate their status via such fabrications, Councilors. I will not stand for their petty hatred.” Saren sneers at Amerilyse and she clenches her fist and slightly bares her teeth in a snarl. 

_Let’s hit that bird fucker where it hurts._

_**We’re not that person anymore. I am not that person anymore.** _

_Keep hiding behind your façades. Eventually they’re all going to find out about the **real** you. It is inevitable._

**_Not if I can help it. I’ll prove you wrong, Kiehra. I’m better than this. We’re better than this._ **

“You are not on trial, Saren. As the evidence currently stands, they are purely circumstantial. Continue as you will.” The turian throws a smirk in her direction before disconnecting the call.

The Councilors return their attention to Amerilyse.

“Until you have found concrete evidence, this case is dismissed. Do you have anything else to add, Commander Shepard? Besides ‘dreams and visions?’” the turian councilor responds rudely. 

“No, it’s obvious that you won’t listen to reason.”

The group stalks out of the Citadel Tower angrily, clearly frustrated that the Citadel Council refuses to take the imminent threat of the beacon vision seriously. They all step off the Citadel Rapid Transit and arrive at the embassies. Ambassador Udina dismisses the Alliance soldiers without a moment’s notice to handle whatever it was that politicians did during their work hours, which wasn’t shit. 

“This is why I hate politicians,” Ashley mutters under her breath.

“He’s just doing his job,” says Anderson.

“Where do we go from here, sir?” Amerilyse asks.

“You can talk to Harkin, but he might give you the runaround just because he likes toying with people to waste their time.”

“We could also talk to that C-Sec officer named Garrus. Remember when he was arguing with Executor Pallin about how Saren is the enemy?” Kaidan pipes in.

“That’s a good idea, Lieutenant,” Amerilyse responds and gives a slight nod in his direction. He returns the gesture, happy that the short interaction between them is lighter than the last. 

The trio is dismissed to talk to Harkin. On their way to Chora’s Den, they observe the Citadel and take in its vast surroundings and amazing views from the balcony. 

“I don’t think that the council care very much for humans. Hell, I don’t think they like us, ma’am” Ashley speaks plainly.

“What’s not to like? We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to all the old vids, we have everything they want.” 

Kaidan zones out as the two women are taking in the view. He’s distracted by the Commander. How the beautifully proportionate woman gracefully walks; her hips swaying side-to-side in a perfect rhythm. Her weapons belt hangs gingerly off her hips. Tempting him to focus his attention to that perky, plump ass of hers. He finds himself dragging her to the bathroom and stripping her of her armor and BDUs, while passionately kissing her. As she is distracted by his mouth devouring her, he pulls her pants down to her knees and spins her around abruptly. She yelps in surprise and he props her against the sink. She stares at him through the mirror; her eyes are filled with hunger. She patiently waits and he loves how her skin is flushed red from his stubble rubbing against her skin and trail of hickeys he left. 

Mine. 

He deftly uses one hand to pull down his pants and the other to entice the hot, pulsing center. He uses one knee to spread her legs as far as the pants would let him. He pushes her down, so that her ass would arch upwards. Her breath hitches as he grazes the tip of his cock at her entrance. He wraps his right hand around her throat while the left steadies her hip; he slams himself to the hilt. “Kaidan!” she cries out loudly. He clasps his hand over her mouth as he repeatedly slams himself deeper and deeper into her pussy. Grunting and moaning deeply into her ear with each thrust, Kaidan peeks at the mirror, curious of her reaction. She returns his eyes with an intense stare as she licks her lips.

“God, you feel fucking divine, Amerilyse,” he rasps in her ear. He moves his hand from her mouth to the peaked tips of her nipples and his other hand moves from her hip to her G-spot. He pinches her nipple and rubs at her G-spot at the same time, which elicits a jerking response of her body. In turn, he spills his seed inside of her as her orgasm shockwaves through her body.

“When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you” Kaidan responds absentmindedly. He can feel the blood rushing to his head and his cock. His pants tighten uncomfortably as his cock hardens, which snaps him back to reality. 

“I mean us. Humans. Ma’am.” 

He thanked God that he was already over the balcony taking in the view, which obscured his hardening bulge from the Commander’s view. He ignores Ashley’s amused look of curiosity and prays that the pair doesn’t push further about the slip up. 

“You don’t get out much, do you, LT?” Ashley asks, amusingly.

Kaidan turns around to throw her a “Stop making the situation worse” look and he catches the Commander’s eye. She softly bites her lip and a small smile twitches at the corners of her mouth. “God, she’s so cute when she does that,” Kaidan thinks to himself. 

“Alright, laugh it up, you two. Time to go talk to Harkin.”

Kaidan struggles to walk off the hard-on and limps after the pair. Amerilyse notices that he’s lagging a bit behind.

“Are you alright, Lieutenant?” she asks, concerned for his well-being.

“Completely, ma’am. Probably just feeling my age and pulled a muscle leaning over like that.”

“You look like you’re in your prime, Lieutenant,” his ears perk up at the compliment.

“I sincerely doubt that you’d pull a muscle just like that. Is it your migraines due to your L2 implants? We can stop by the Med Clinic that they have here on the Citadel” Amerilyse continues.

“No!” Kaidan responds, almost shouting. He can see it takes her aback for a split second. He is already mortified of the incident that just occurred, that he can’t imagine going to the med clinic and having the doctor as well as the Commander and Ashley seeing him suffer from the common case of blue balls. 

“I’m sorry, ma’am. Really, I’m okay.”

“Okay, Lieutenant.” 


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****
> 
> ####  ****WARNING**: This chapter has themes of prostitution, sexual assault and attempted rape.**

 

**_Déjà vu._**  
_Almost feels like home, huh?_  
**_Right,_** she scoffs bitterly, **_“home.”_**

Chora’s Den: where alcohol, dancers, and everything under the sun attract the population’s denizens alike. However, it was nothing compared to Heaven’s Gates/Serpent’s Eden back on Earth. She doubts anything at the Citadel’s lounge will faze her. Harkin’s file was surprisingly thick for someone so simpleminded. Roughing up suspects, taking bribes, alcoholic, junkie. 

Amerilyse clenches her teeth. **_Poster boy for the Reds._**

_He’d have to do **a lot** worse than that to survive with us._

**_I’m not that person anymore._ **

_Liar. I know your heart skipped a beat the moment we entered. You and I both know that we are made for this. We know how to work the system, and we do it well._

_Don’t remind me,_ she replies, annoyed. 

_I’ve got your back this far, haven’t I?_

__Normally, Amerilyse is a terrible dancer. There is just something about being in the darkest, dirtiest hole in the wall; it’s like a flip of a switch. The bass of the club’s music thrums against her body; her hips sway in sync. She spots Harkin sitting at a table on the far corner of the club, creepily staring at one of the dancers._ _

**_I’ve had more respectable clients than that dirtbag._**

_We’ve dealt with plenty of unsavory characters before. Nothin’ new. Sex always sells._

__As the trio approaches the table, Harkin gets annoyed that they are blocking his view. He changes his tune as he takes the Commander’s full stock. His mouth breaks into a creepy, excited grin._ _

__“And who might you be, sweet cheeks?” His hand reaches to graze the slender side of her ass._ _

__Someone grips their weapon tightly, finger ready at the trigger. Another person gulps deeply._ _

__Amerilyse watches as his palm grabs a handful of her ass. She gives him a sultry smile. “Depends on how good the information you give me.”_ _

__Harkin notices their Alliance-issued armor and weapons. He keeps his hand on her ass cheek, surprised that she hasn’t swatted it away. Her subordinates move to ambush him, but she holds up her hand._ _

__“I hear that you can tell me where I can find Garrus Vakarian.”_ _

__“Now, why would I tell Anderson’s lackeys anything?”_ _

__“I am not his lackey. I’m simply here for some information, and I don’t mind having some fun in order to get it.” She sits in the vacant seat next to Harkin. She beckons Ashley and Kaidan with a wave of her hand. “Lieutenant, Chief. Get me and C-Sec’s finest a round of beers and some shots.” She tosses the credit chit at them. As the pair walks away, Harkin watches her carefully. _ _

__“Now, where were we?” Amerilyse continues._ _

__\-------_ _

Ashley and Kaidan watches Commander Shepard from afar as she continues to knock back beer after beer, shot after shot, with Harkin. Ashley is visibly disgusted, but keeps her eyes forward and aware of their surroundings. Kaidan's impression is changing. He watches as Harkin grazes his hand against her thigh under the table. He takes a sharp intake of air. _What is the Commander doing_ , he thinks to himself. _She doesn't have to stoop to this level just for some information on Vakarian._

__

__After what seems like forever, Commander Shepard stands up and grabs Harkin's arm. Ashley and Kaidan prepare to move out, but skid to a halt when Shepard raises her palm to them in a "stop" gesture. Kaidan makes eye contact with Amerilyse, hoping his pleas get across. She gives them a small smile and waves them off. He helplessly watches as Harkin grips the Commander's hip as she pulls the piece of shit towards the bathroom._ _

__Another figure across the bar watches intently._ _

__\-------_ _

_You're still a lightweight, I see._

_**Ooh, boy.**_

__Amerilyse's vision begins to blur and she can just barely make out the person standing in front of her. He pushes her to kneel on the floor as he fumbles with his belt. A cock unfurls from a disgusting bush of pubic hair that reeked of body odor and sweat. She almost pukes right then and there. One hand grips the cock tightly; the other grabs a handful of her hair at her scalp, pulling her face closer to its head._ _

She shakes her head and resists. "Uh, uh, uh. Not until I get what _I_ want first. Where is Garrus Vakarian?" 

__"Shut up and suck my cock, like a good little girl."_ _

__"No deal, asshole." She starts to get up when he roughly shoves her back down._ _

"You're not going to just get me hard and fucking leave, bitch." He backhands her and she tastes a little iron from the corner of her mouth. **_Now, I'm pissed._** He wraps his fingers around her throat and tightens his grip. She stares and him, defiantly. He lets go of her throat and grabs her scalp, attempting to forcefully thrust his cock inside her mouth. She spits onto the head of his cock and starts to jerk him off. He is momentarily distracted and loosens his grip on her hair. She leans forward as if to suck him off, and he leans his head back, ready to feel her hot mouth on his cock. 

__Instead, she takes this opportunity to bend his cock at a 90-degree angle. Except the result is more like a crooked, 45-degree angle because the muscle is hard. Harkin screams in pain._ _

__"What the fuck, bitch?!" He tries to get away from her, but she clamps her hand into an iron grip. He punches blindly in the air and ends up making contact with something hard. The iron grip releases him and he scrambles to get away. Amerilyse tackles him into a urinal before he can get out the door. The ceramic of the urinal cracks open and water spews from the pipe._ _

__"Tell me where Garrus Vakarian is."_ _

__"I ain't telling you shit, you crazy cunt."_ _

__"Wrong answer, Harkin." Amerilyse punches him repeatedly in the face._ _

__"How about now?" Harkin spits on her face in retaliation. She fishes a zip tie out of her pocket and restrains his hands to the urinal's flush handle. She shoves the urinal cake into his mouth as she ties his cock into a pretzel._ _

__"How about now, fucker?" Amerilyse watches as his face twists in pain. She cuts the zip tie and Harkin tries to get up, but writhes in pain. She had to give it to him; motherfucker was going to fight her the whole way. She watches as his cock starts to turn purple then blue becausee of lack of blood and oxygen. She knows that the numbing, pins and needles sensation is starting to set in. Harkin attempts to undo the knot, but his pain receptors are going off the charts._ _

__Amerilyse stares at him. "Well? I'm waiting."_ _

__Harkin curses to himself and snarls at the Commander. "You can find Vakarian at the med clinic."_ _

__Amerilyse smiles. "See? That wasn't so hard, now was it?"_ _

__"I told you what you wanted. Now fucking undo this!"_ _

__"Say the magic word."_ _

__"Please," he snarls mockingly with clenched teeth._ _

The doors to the bathroom open. A couple of guys enter to see the broken urinal and Harkin's cock tied into the pretzel. They look at Amerilyse, and she smiles back at them. "Guys, could you give us some privacy? Pretty please?" Harkin yells at the men. "Get fucking help, this bitch is psycho." 

__As the men run out of the bathroom, Ashley and Kaidan come running in. They are shell-shocked by the scene in front of them. They see the same thing the previous group of men saw. The Commander stands up slowly, shaking her head._ _

__"Now, why'd you have to go and do that for? We were just starting to get along fine."_ _

__"You said you were going to undo this, bitch."_ _

__"No, I didn't. I told you to say 'please.' I haven't really gotten to the artform of undoing that just yet. Oops." Harkin's mouth drops._ _

__Harkin sneers at her. "Well, you better hurry to the med clinic before Vakarian and the doctor bite a bullet."_ _

Amerilyse takes a step towards Harkin and she smirks as she sees him slightly flinch and recoil away from her. "You better hope that they don’t. Because the doc might be the only one who can salvage _that_ for you." 

__\-------_ _

__Ashley, Kaidan, and Shepard make it to the med clinic just as thugs open fire at Garrus. The four of them take them down easily. They approach the doctor cowering in the corner; Garrus and Kaidan help her to her feet._ _

__Amerilyse gives the doctor a once-over and sees no visible wounds. "Are you alright, Dr. …?_ _

__"I'm Dr. Chloe Michel. Thank you for coming to my rescue."_ _

__"Who were those men, Dr. Michel?"_ _

__The doctor bites her lip hesitantly._ _

__"We can protect you, Doctor."_ _

__"They work for Fist. They were trying to prevent me from telling Garrus about the quarian."_ _

__"What quarian," Amerilyse inquires._ _

__"A couple of days ago, a quarian came by my office. She had been shot, but refused to tell me how or why. I assumed that she was on the run when she asked me how to get in touch with the Shadow Broker. I put her in touch with Fist because he's an agent of the Shadow Broker."_ _

__"Not anymore. Now, Fist is working with Saren," Garrus interjects._ _

__"That's stupid, even for Fist. This Saren must have made quite the offer," Dr. Michel concludes._ _

__"This quarian probably has evidence that's worth killing over."_ _

__"Let's go," Amerilyse gestures towards Ashley and Kaidan._ _

__Garrus stops her. "Commander, I want to come along with you. I want Saren taken down and I want to see it through."_ _

__"Welcome aboard, Garrus."_ _

____


	7. Chapter Seven

 

“Three’s a crowd, Commander,” Ashley states indignantly towards Garrus as they make their way to the docking bay.

Amerilyse tries to gauge the Lieutenant’s state of mind, considering the events that have transpired since they docked at the Citadel. She takes a step forward, and he subconsciously takes a step backward. She starts to say something, but changes her mind and gestures to Ashley and Garrus to move out. 

“You’re right. Chief, Vakarian, on me. Lieutenant, return to the Normandy.” Amerilyse notices Ashley stiffen for a split second, but re-straightens her composure. The Lieutenant opens his mouth to protest, but remembers his place and nods at the Commander. 

“Yes, ma’am.”

As they reach the elevator to the docking bay, the group notices the building argument between a certain krogan and some C-Sec officers. The krogan catches the Commander watching him and waiting for the situation unfold. He brusquely shoves past the C-Sec and charges toward the Commander.

“Do I know you, human?”

Amerilyse, unfazed by the fear tactic, replies, “Name’s Shepard. I’m going after Fist. Wanna join?”

The krogan stares her down. “Shepard, huh? I’ve heard a lot about you.”

_I sincerely doubt that, crocodile._

**_Shut up, Kiehra._ **

“I’m going to give you a fair warning. I’m going to kill Fist.”

Amerilyse shrugs her shoulders. “After I get what I want from him first.” Ashley and Kaidan both gape at the Commander’s flimsy moral compass. She can be fiercely protective yet act recklessly at the same time. They did not know what to make of the Commander or her actions just a moment ago in Chora’s Den.

The krogan cracks what Amerilyse assumes is a grin. “Deal. Name’s Wrex.”

With a krogan added to their party, Amerilyse changes her mind of her current companions “Chief, Lieutenant, return to the Normandy. Garrus and Wrex, on me. Let’s go huntin’.”

As the Commander walks away with her new companions, Ashley and Kaidan wait for the elevator to the docking bay. 

“She’s just going to trust those aliens? Over _us_? She hasn’t even known them for an hour,” Ashley exclaims, incredulous.

“A little xenophobic there, Chief?”

“I’m just saying, scuttlebutt. We are mighty capable ourselves. We do not need help from the aliens. Hell, the Council doesn’t even trust us, so why should we put our faith in them?”

“Not all aliens are bad. And I…trust the Commander’s instincts.”

“Do you really, LT? After that whole debacle with Harkin? Like what the hell is going on?”

Kaidan didn’t have neither a clue nor retort to that statement. What happened at Chora’s Den – it just didn’t make sense. It was like the Commander was a totally different person. Could he blindly follow leadership that made decisions like that? Ability is not the issue; it is mandatory for a subordinate to follow a higher-ranking officer.

The pair were unaware of the man standing behind them, overhearing their entire conversation.

“Chief Williams, Lieutenant Alenko.”

Both soldiers make an about-face turn and salutes the rank. Captain Anderson gives them a stern look. 

“Both of you, with me to the embassy.”

\-------

The hallway leading to Chora’s Den is eerily quiet. Garrus and Wrex take their positions as Shepard prepares to open the door. Bullets fly past her as she takes cover. Fist’s thugs are no match for her squad and each enemy falls over like a sack of potatoes. They tell the final two foot soldiers guarding Fist’s door to scram. The coward activates two drones to assist him. Garrus overloads the drones as Wrex warps them. Her bullet catches Fist in the shoulder and he raises his hands in surrender.

They approach Fist and Amerilyse keeps her assault rifle at his head to keep him from trying to be clever.

\-------

“Well? Are you two going to tell what happened at Chora’s Den earlier?” Captain Anderson asks.

Ashley and Kaidan shuffle their feet, pretending to focus on the captain while really looking at the clock and light switch, respectively, behind him. While they directly reported to the Commander, they couldn’t deny a direct order from a superior officer. Anderson slams his hands onto the desk.

“I am asking you to tell me your version. Do **not** make me make it an order.” 

“Sir,” both Ashley and Kaidan speak up at the same time. They look at each other and Kaidan takes the lead as the higher rank.

“Sir, we don’t exactly know what transpired.”

“What do you mean by that, Staff Lieutenant?”

“What he means is that the Commander made the executive decision to approach Harkin by herself. We only witnessed the aftermath, sir,” Ashley speaks up to clarify.

The captain squeezes the bridge of his nose and sighs deeply. “Chief, Lieutenant; you’re both dismissed.”

“Yes, sir.” They both salute and exit the embassy.

\-------

Fist gives up the information easily without suggestion. He tells Amerilyse and her squad that he sent the quarian to meet with the Shadow Broker. In reality, she’s going to meet Saren’s agents and they are going to “take care of her.” He slowly gets up and Amerilyse steps out of his way. As he makes for the exit, Wrex takes her place and shoots him in the head. Blood oozes out of the hole and pools on the floor. 

_Shame, shame, shame. What a mess._

“We didn’t need to kill him. He could have just gone to the authorities. We probably could have secured him for other arrests.”

“I was hired by the Shadow Broker to kill him. I don’t like loose ends. Instead of lecturing me, we should probably get to your quarian before she ends up with her own hole." Amerilyse ransacks his office and lockpicks his safe. She grabs the datapad and a credit chit.

They move to exit Fist’s office only to be surrounded by more of his hired goons. They fight their way out and rush to the location of the quarian. Amerilyse watches the interaction between Saren’s agents and the quarian carefully.

“Where’s the Shadow Broker?”

“He’s coming, sweetie. He sent us first to check you out. You know, if you and your evidence is legit.”

“No, no deal. I paid to speak with the Shadow Broker. Him and him alone.” The quarian turns to run, but one of the agents grabs her arm. 

“Sorry, sweetie. You’re not going anywhere.” He raises his gun to her head. Before he can shoot her, his head explodes as a bullet splits his head open. The agent’s body crashes to the floor and the quarian looks up to see Amerilyse standing before her. She beckons her to run to her as Garrus and Wrex provide cover fire. The quarian scrambles to her feet and just barely makes it to cover. One of the agents continues to fire at Amerilyse; the quarian covers her head with her hands, in fear. Amerilyse instinctively shields the quarian protectively and returns fire, killing the agent. The three of them effortlessly destroy the opposing force. 

Amerilyse extends her hand out to the quarian. The quarian takes it hesitantly.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy. These are my squad members, Garrus and Wrex. Are you alright?”

“Yes, thank you Commander. Tali’Zorah nar Rayya. You can call me Tali, for short.”

“Tali, what did you want to speak with the Shadow Broker about?”

“I appreciate you coming to my safety, Commander. However, you could be just as shady as these guys were.”

“True, but I’m not trying to kill you. I hear that you have evidence against Saren,” The rogue Spectre’s name perks up the quarian’s attention. “Evidence that he’s willing to kill you over. I’m trying to take down Saren, but I need hard evidence to show for it.”

“Then I guess I can repay you for saving my life.”

\-------

Garrus, Shepard, Tali and Wrex arrive at Ambassador Udina’s office where the ambassador, captain, Ashley and Kaidan are waiting for them. Udina’s face is completely red and he’s foaming at the mouth as he reams into Amerilyse.

“A full-on firefight in Chora’s Den? The incident with C-Sec officer Harkin? Are you trying to shred every single piece of dignity humanity has left in the eyes of the other races?” Amerilyse opens her mouth to interject and he puts his hand up to her face. What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing? You are nothing, but a foot soldier. Do as your told.”

Kiehra bursts out laughing in her head, and it takes every cell in Amerilyse’s body not to laugh herself. She has never seen the ambassador so angry to the point that he is using profanity. She knew the man hated speaking with soldiers because he was just so fucking terrible at it. The man was great at speaking politics; she’s just as good with deceit. Part of her wanted to start mocking the ambassador, but she decides against it because the captain’s facial expression is stone cold.

“What do you have to say, Commander?”

Amerilyse says nothing. Everyone in the room shuffles their feet awkwardly, waiting for the Commander to speak up. Amerilyse pouts and looks around the room. She bites her nails, looking bored.

“Do you think this is a joke, Commander?” The ambassador becomes increasingly irate.

“Oh, you’re talking to _me_ , now. Well, I didn’t know that it was my turn to talk. You held up your hand to my face, then proceeded to tell me to do as I’m told. I assumed that meant to shut up and not talk.”

“I sincerely hope you have something to dig yourself out of that hole. Before I have you arrested for the crimes you’ve committed today.”

“Of course, your Majesty. I would not stir up this shit and completely have nothing to show for. What do you take me for?” She feigns offense.

“Who is this quarian?”

“This is Tali’Zorah nar Rayya and she has the evidence we need against Saren.”

\-------

The voice recording of Saren and the Matriarch is irrefutable. The Citadel Council strips him of his Spectre status, but they continue to deny the geth threat, the Prothean vision, and the Reapers. 

_Leave it to the aliens who have no fucking clue about shit._

**_Not all aliens are like that._ **

_They live in a goddamn fantasy world on this flying saucer. Unaware of shit hitting the fan. Unaware of just how bad and how real shit can get. Fucking fools._

**_Well, we shouldn’t assume that they haven’t experienced their own struggles and tragedies. They might be just as good as hiding shit as we are._ **

_Whatever. We should just watch out for our skin._

**_That’s a depressing and lonely way to live._ **

Amerilyse is brought out of her reverie by the asari councilor’s statement.

“There is a way to stop Saren without the use of fleets or armies.”

“No, it’s too soon. Humanity does not have what it takes to take on the responsibilities of being a Spectre.”

Amerilyse speaks up. “Look, you don’t really have anything to lose. The ambassador gets the human Spectre he has long sought for and I’ll track down and deal with Saren. And you don’t have to do a single thing. Everyone’s happy.”

With that, Amerilyse is sworn in.

The entourage makes their way to the Normandy. Ambassador Udina states that the Captain is stepping down as captain of the Normandy and that the Normandy will be given to the Commander. Amerilyse opens her mouth to protest, but she is met with a stern look from Anderson. Udina leaves and Amerilyse blows a raspberry behind his back. 

“Commander! To the comm room.” Anderson orders in a loud, booming voice.

_Oh, shit._

**_Fuck._ **

“Yes, sir.” The pair walks down the path leading to the comm room. They walk past the crew members and her squadmates, and she starts to feel self-conscious. 

**_The gossip circle is going to have a field day._ **

As the comm doors shut, Anderson whips around and rips Amerilyse a new one.

“Is _she_ back?” He angrily whispers under his breath.

“I don’t know what you mean, Cap’n.”

“Don’t play coy with me, Amerilyse.” He walks up to the Commander with a finger wagging like an angry parent.

“No.”

“I want to believe you, but I don’t. Especially not after that incident today with Harkin.”

“Dirtbag deserved what he got.”

“Maybe so. But not by you or _her._ You’re a Spectre now. You have the responsibility to set an example for the rest of humanity and the other races.”

“I have it under control, sir.”

“Do you really, Commander? It doesn’t seem like that’s the case.”

\-------

Ashley and Kaidan crams into the cockpit with Joker, eavesdropping on the Captain and the Commander. They are making their own conclusions on who the Captain is referring to. Garrus and Tali walk up behind them.

“What are you guys doing?”

“Butt out. Are you supposed to be elsewhere?” Ashley replies rudely.

Amerilyse’s and the Captain’s voices echo in the cockpit as everyone zero in on the security footage.

“Is Harkin’s account of the events true, then?”

“For the most part, yes.” Anderson sighs in frustration.

“Karin is telling me that you’re not sleeping well.”

“Ah, Nan worries too much. It’s just insomnia, Cap. Nothin’ a bottle can’t fix.”

The captain remains quiet and just listens to her. She wants to tell him, but she doesn’t want him to worry. Plus, she knows that they’re being spied on. 

“Look, sir, as much as I appreciate the pep talk. Everything’s good and dandy. I made an executive decision with Harkin and it was obviously the wrong move. It won’t happen again.”

“Your past doesn’t have to become your future. Think of Emmylou—” Amerilyse holds up her hand, puts a finger to her lips and points upwards. They both look into the camera before Anderson cuts the feed.

“Oh, shit,” Joker whispers. Everyone, but Joker, scrams from the cockpit.

\-------

“As I was saying—doesn’t Emmylou embody and represent the new you?”

“Leave my daughter out of this.”

“You are a good person. Someone as innocent and pure as her cannot come from an evil person. You are not evil, Amerilyse. No matter what you believe otherwise.”

“I’m not ‘good,’ Anderson. I’m just a person trying to right her wrongs by using the skill set that has helped her survived to this day.”

“Life should be more than just about surviving.”

“What a dream.”

“Take care of yourself, Amerilyse.” He squeezes her forearm and departs.

She plops down heavily onto the comm room seat, exhausted. She leans her head back, “what a fucking shitshow…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely stole this "Life should be more than just about surviving" from the TV series, the 100. I love love love that quote. So true.


End file.
